I'm seeing a pattern in my postings, and that is a planned procrastination. I see that I'm not always able to post what is happening when it is happening because every day is different and every day paints a different picture of where Dorene is at in her Life. I'm omitting the words "and her battle with cancer" because Dorene is tired of the battle and wants to find a way to stay focused on the living of today.
My planned procrastination in posting has to do with other factors also. Sometimes I'm waiting for Dorene to have a chance to tell our Dad in person what's happening. Sometimes I'm waiting for test results or information from doctor’s appointments. Sometimes I wait out of sheer desire and hope for a positive change. Sometimes it is about sorting the words out in my mind before committing them here. Sometimes I just can't 'write' it out loud.
During this most recent posting hiatus a lot has happened. My recount of these things may not be in chronological order but they will hopefully connect...
Dorene has resigned her position at the Veterinary Clinic for good. She also said that they should not wait for her to return and should actively seek a replacement for her. They love her so much they had held off hiring someone else hoping she would be able to return. This was an extremely difficult thing to do, to not just leave for awhile but to say she was leaving for good. She loves working at this clinic. But, it was too difficult to predict whether she'd be feeling up to working on a day that they needed her. Yes, maybe when they asked on Monday if she could cover Friday she felt good and thought sure... but every day is different and more often than not by the time the work day came around she was again exhausted. And even though she only returned for 2 Saturdays a month on a regular basis, those were again 10 hour work days and took too great a toll.
Dorene is still walking most every morning with her friend Pam and her friend Barb joins them on some mornings too. It's a big deal that she has kept this exercise schedule because most mornings she doesn't want to get up to walk and would much rather sleep in. But it is also important to her to keep walking. I don't think I'd be reading too much into it by saying that walking is the way she fights the cancer these days without it being as much like a battle. Though some mornings I think it is very much a battle to get out there and walk. But it's fresh air and exercise with friends. It is a positive action in every regard.
Not long after the Alaska trip Matt picked up a nasty virus and eventually had to spend several days in the hospital to figure out what was wrong. They discovered he'd contracted a parasite and hit him hard with strong antibiotics. He is mostly recovered from that ordeal but is still a bit weak. Through it all Matt continues to attend every single doctor’s appointment with Dorene and to be there for her in every way he can. We would all be blessed if we had a spouse by our side that is so dedicated and loving and I hope you who are reading this has that person in your life.
I'd mentioned in my last post that Dorene had upcoming appointments with her Oncologist and Radiologist for some follow-up scans and such. Those had been postponed while Matt was in the hospital but Dorene has since had those appointments and reviewed the scan results with her doctors. The results were not what we were hoping for and yet no surprise to Dorene. She said that with the way she's been feeling and with the evidence she sees on and feels within her body she knew the results wouldn't be good. She has fluid around her heart, enough that she consulted with a cardiologist but not so much that the cardiologist was overly concerned. He said she had a good strong heart and to contact him if she started to experience certain warning signs.
The body scan also showed tumor growth in size and quantity through her chest area, arms, lungs, and liver. Dorene said the scan was lit up like a Christmas Tree. :-( The tumor in her liver has grown and there was discussion of performing a procedure where they would cut off the blood flow to that part of the liver to kill the tumor. It is thought that it could buy more time but that was a maybe and possibly not worth the hospital and recovery time it would take.
Dorene asked again how much time the doctor thought she had left. At the current growth rate it is thought that maybe less than a year. This year range has been mentioned before so again Dorene was not too surprised this time.
Though not really surprised by these results and estimates, the combination of difficult information to digest and a body that is constantly fighting so always a bit depleted has taken a new toll on Dorene. She has been feeling defeated. Completely and Utterly Defeated. Hope is transforming into something else... sometimes into darkness, sometimes anger and disappointment; and sometimes appreciation for a moment or for a sunny day of raking pine cones, or gratitude for enough energy to clean house and make dinner. We can talk one day and she is struggling deeply within herself to find new ways to deal with what is happening where I can tell that talking to me at all is an effort. We can talk another day and she is bright and joking and in the moment of folding laundry and counseling me to not take on too many holiday shows, and happy with the moment, happy to report on things accomplished and feeling better.
Last week when we were talking her defeat was so complete that I broke a promise to her by pushing her to keep fighting when I've said I wouldn't do that to her. I've promised to be what she needs me to be and not to be what "I need of her" which is of course for her to stay here with me. I tried to be gentle with my prodding to keep fighting but I could tell I was backing her into a corner. She tried to gently explain how tired she is of fighting, tired of being poked and prodded, tired of being disappointed in it all. Tried to explain that her body is telling her a different story than the one I want to hear, than the one she wants to hear. She was trying to tell me that she needs to find a place of acceptance of what is happening today because pushing against it only makes her today more difficult and she becomes incapable of living the life she has now.
And of course I know that she'd like to do nothing more than stay here with me so we can grow old together and tease each other about grey hairs, rocking chairs, and falling or missing boosoms. To stay here for Matt and Candace and our Parents and for you, her friend, her family.
I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the Deborah I want to be for Dorene in these past days. I've struggled deeply with any internal absolute acknowledgement that the doctors may be correct in their time line. Before now I've been able to keep "that" type of information separate from my "hopeful heart." While we've had things to try and work toward I've been able to manage the conversation and planning for the worst outcome because I still had the hopeful outcome to focus on. I had research to do, information to relay, questions to ask, prayers to pray. I'm good at those things.
But Dorene is facing a reality that she cannot ignore. She has tried all the things the doctors have recommended and they have not worked. She eats berries and broccoli and drinks apple and carrot juice and takes her vitamins. She walks, works, fights... and she prays. But the cancer is still growing and she feels it unrelenting in her body. And Dorene has come to the place where the fight is actually doing her the most harm because it is as much an emotional and internal battle as it is a physical one. And when you are at war you cannot find peace and Dorene would very much like to find some peace in today. She doesn't want to be at war any more. She wants her today. She wants her Now.
So while Dorene is trying to do her best with today, while she plans what she will bring to the Veterinarian office annual picnic, or plans the meal for her weekly bible study which she and Matt will host this week, and goes to physical therapy and does or doesn't take a nausea pill so her day can be better… I renew my vow of being the sister Dorene needs me to be with the knowledge that I may falter but will always return to this promise, of doing my best at not leaving Dorene feeling apart from her sister in this part of her journey. And just as I know that Dorene will pray every day for the ability to have peace today and the ability to enjoy what she does have. I know that like I will, and you will, Dorene will hold deep in her heart a place for a new kind of hope, a transformed hope that allows for the possibility of miracles and still has room for the living of today as best as can be lived.
I recently stumbled upon an excerpt of a prayer from a book called “Love and Death: My Journey through the Valley of the Shadow” by Forrest Church which I’d like to close this post with…
“… Let us awaken to the blessing of acceptance,
Expressed in a simple, saving mantra:
Want what we have; do what we can; be who we are.
Rather than let wishful thinking or regret
Displace the gratitude for all that is ours, here and now
To savor and to save,
Let us want what we have –
Praying for health, if we are blessed with health,
For friendship, if we are blessed with friends,
For family, if we are blessed with family,
For work if we are blessed with tasks that await our doing,
And if our lives are dark, may we remember to
want nothing more than the loving
Affection of those whose hearts are broken by our pain…”
With Loving Affection,
Dorene's sister, Deborah
xoxoxo
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