Difficult Days...

I've been having a hard time writing for the blog... there are a lot of reasons, things change from day to day and there have been more difficult days for Dorene than not and I find I don't know what to write.  I had a friend with cancer several years ago and her family maintained a site similar to this one and I remember when the postings started being fewer and further between... I now understand more completely why that was.  There comes a time when you are beyond the trying and treatments and reporting on those things when it's about the day to day struggle.

I will do my best to give you an honest, clear picture of what is happening with Dorene these days but I am unsure if I will continue the blog after this.  I hope you will understand if I am unable to continue with updates.

It has been a couple of months since I last posted and a lot has and has not happened in that time.  My mother, Dianne and I went to Idaho to spend Dorene's 48th birthday with her in November.  It was a special time and we were all very happy that Dorene was up to going to one of her favorite restaurants at he Coeur d'Alene resort.

Most of you know that I've just returned from a 3 week visit where I arrived a few days before Christmas and got home about 4 days ago.  It was very difficult leaving Dorene and it was a wonderful blessing to be able to spend that time with her trying to help.  I owe a deep debt of gratitude to Our Uncle Jim for that blessing as he helped me make it possible, as did Our Aunt Susan who donated a plane ticket home.

Many of you also know that Dorene and I were in a car accident just two days after I arrived.  We hit ice on a downward slope and despite a slow speed we went nose first into a creek and the car flipped upside down.  We were able to get out of the vehicle fairly fast and escaped with bumps and bruises.  We went to the hospital to be certain Dorene's lungs were okay as she'd just had one lung drained of fluids two days before.  Dorene's car was totalled and Matt was johnny on the spot in finding a 4-wheel drive Chevy Tahoe (?) replacement for her within a week.  Dorene's 4-Runner was rear wheel drive.

The accident put a damper on the beginning of our trip but we rebounded and stayed focused on the main reason I was there which was to help where I could and to help Dorene track her calorie input.  One of the worse side effects of this illness and probably the medication she has to take is she has no appetite at all and food even tastes bad to her which is very sad for Dorene as she has always loved food.  She loves to smell it, cook it, eat it, watch about it on TV... or at least she did.  Now it is something she dreads and has to force down.

We track everything she eats and try to maintain a certain calorie level but it is very difficult.  Every bite is an effort for her and if she pushes too hard she gets sick to her stomach.  It is so torturous to her that she would be fine if she didn't eat again but she does because she must and because she wants to be strong enough for her daughter, Candace's visit later this month.

When I first arrived before Christmas we had an appointment with Dorene's Oncologist to find out the results of the CAT scans she'd had the previous week.  At first it seemed like really good news... the tumors that had been radiated were much smaller and there were no new tumors found in her body.  But her right lung's plural sack was filled with fluids and she was brought directly to the radiology department so they could drain the fluids.  The procedure was VERY difficult and stressful for Dorene.  This was very different than when they had drained her left lung.  I wonder if having the left lung sort of frozen in the plural sack from the operation she had makes it more difficult when the other lung is drained.

Despite the difficulty of the draining we left that day a little hopeful because of the tumor news.  It took a couple of days for Dorene to recover from that and then we had the accident.  And it seemed that within no time at all the coughing had returned and Dorene needed to have her lung drained again.  This time removing 1.3 liters of fluid.  She had it drained the second time right before our Aunt Susan arrived for her visit.  This time she was in bed recovering from the draining procedure for 3 1/2 days.

It was wonderful for Dorene, Aunt Susan and I to have some time together.  While Dorene was resting Susan and I worked on making blackout curtains for the guest room and some pillow covers to match that and Dorene and Matt's bedroom curtains.  Susan and I laughed often about how it really took both our brains and minimal sewing skills to complete the project.  In the end we took photos of us all in front of the completed project.  Susan left just a couple of days before it was time for me to go home.

Since being home, Dorene and I talk several times a day as we are still doing our best to watch her calories.  I use the livestrong.com "My Plate" program to do this.  As I am typing this Dorene and Matt are attending their Bible study group.  For about two years now Dorene and Matt and I think it is 4 or 5 other couples meet each Sunday evening for Bible study and dinner.  I went with them to one of the meetings and greatly enjoyed meeting the group and the evening.

Unfortunately, Dorene doesn't know how much longer she will be able to attend the Bible Study group.  She has not been feeling well at all and everything is a tremendous effort for her.  Much more than it has been in the past.

And this leads me to the part that I don't know how to write about and the part that makes me think I'll not be able to continue the blog....

There are many things going on right now.  The lung filling with fluids so quickly is of great concern and is taking a big toll on Dorene.  The only option is to have the same procedure on this lung except that the first time Dorene was much healthier and it almost killed her then.  That and the recovery was extremely difficult and Dorene can't imagine going through all of that again.  Probably can't go through all of that again.  That, feeling extremely ill all the time, no appetite, no energy, and it hurts me to write it but there also seems to be no hope for better days.

I'm pretty stubborn when it comes to hope and holding onto it and I know that none of us can truly know what tomorrow will bring and tomorrow could hold hope.  Even though Dorene has always been and always will be... the only thing I can think of for these days is that Dorene is in God's Hands.

In the meantime, Dorene still tries every day... pushes herself to eat, to do what she can.  She is the most amazing person I've ever known.

You will be comforted to know that Matt, Dorene's ever vigilant and loving husband, is now working from home full time so that Dorene is rarely without his assistance.

Thank you for caring and for the prayers I know you say for Dorene every day.

Love,
Dorene's Sister
Deborah
xoxo